I'm driving along the other day, minding my own business when I notice the car in front of me is scolding me.

I wasn't weaving all over the road, I wasn't shouting or gesturing at other drivers, I wasn't speeding, yet this supercilious little bastard of a car in front of me has a bumpersticker admonishing me to "Calm Down".

What?

I'll calm the *bleep* down all over your ass! you turkey dropping.

What kind of an arrogant hole feels it's his duty to tell the rest of the world to calm down? 

I was perfectly calm and quietly going about my day but the sight of that bumper sticker lit a fierce desire in me to slam into the back end of the jalopy it was attached to and when the Linden Hills poet behind the wheel jumped out to demand to know my intentions, to beat him bloody with my fanny pack while screaming "Who's your mommy?!"

But I didn't.

I am an adult and don't need to act on my every desire.  Too bad bumper sticker Joe doesn't have the same sense of control.

"Calm Down".  Might as well say "Be Passive". 

Or "Be Flaccid". 

Or "Let Someone Else do the Heavy Lifting". 

Or "Bend Over".

When I see a bumper sticker that says "Get Excited!", that's a driver to whom I'll give the right of way.

 

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