Everybody's been picking on Academy Award winner, Al Gore this week.  The guy has had a tough decade.  First he loses (But he didn't!!  He got more votes!!! Shut it.  That's not how the game works.)  He loses an election and with it, his entire destiny, to the stupidest man ever to hold office.  Then he gets fat and goes bonkers.   He finds a new reason to exist and makes a really fun movie in which he gets to scold the entire world for having the chutzpa to want central heating and a car.  Things really start looking up when he gets to have Leonardo DiCaprio kiss his ass on national television and the next thing you know he thanking the Academy, living out the dream he's had since he was a little girl making acceptance speeches into his hairbrush!

Could life get any better?  No sir, it could not.

Then, like that evil fairy who shows up late to the christening in Sleeping Beauty, no less than two days after winning his Oscar, some big fat loud mouth spills the beans on his Nashville mansion and the fact that Ol' Al uses more energy in a month than most of us selfish, wasteful Americans use in a year.

How embarrassing.

But I've heard the explanation and you'll be glad to know that everything is okay and Al can keep his crown as The Man Who Cares the Most about Our Mother Earth.

Yes, his mansion does use a lot of power, but that's because it's old and it's currently under construction to be updated and turned more green and  efficient.  Yes, it'll always be an energy hog, sucking the life right out of Mother Earth like an obscene, blood fattened tic burrowed into a hound dog's haunch but since Al and Tipper both work at home, it doesn't really count because they aren't using energy at the office.  Get it?  Not only that, but Al has bought carbon credits, so even with the astronomical amount of carbon emissions produced by his enormous abode, he can claim to be carbon nuetral.  Isn't that great?

What do you mean you don't get it?  Carbon credits.  He bought them.  That's when you want to use more power and emit more carbon into the atmosphere than anyone with a conscience has a right to, so you buy someone else's alloted carbon amounts.

I don't know.  Maybe from dead people who aren't really using theirs anymore?  Maybe from third world folks who would like to use them but don't really have an opportunity?   I don't know, why are you bothering me with these details? 

I'm sure it's on the up and up.  After all, I heard that all the stars and presenters at the Academy awards were given carbon credits in their gift baskets this year.  What a great gift!  This way Blythe Danner can drive her SUV guilt free and Ed Begley can make toast without pedalling for fifteen minutes.  Oh wait, neither of them were presenters.  Sorry, Ed!  Better get back on that bike!

Carbon credits must be how Laurie David can stand to look herself in the mirror after traipsing about the country in her private jet.  Yeah, it does sound a little like it's okay for rich people to vomit vast amounts of carbon emissions and green house gases into the atmosphere as long as they're preventing the poor from doing it, but that can't be right because these people are all Liberals and everyone knows that Liberals are down with the common man.  That's you.  You're the common man.  Besides, these Liberals arent' just rich, they're also famous!

From whom do you buy carbon credits?  I think I'd like to give all my kids some for Christmas next year.  Better yet, maybe I could make a little on the side, selling them myself!  I wonder what they look like?

Knowing a little bit about the history of the Catholic Church, I understand this perfectly.

The Church of Global Warming is selling Indulgences.

 

What did you think of this article?

Liked
Disliked
No Opinion